Since it’s Wednesday, I would like to take this time to confess the multiple things that I incorrectly utilize my toddler for at home. . . (while also confessing the complete lack of guilt that comes along with said post.) I believe this to be the beginning of a series of posts that will include other environments, situations and/or scenarios in which you can utilize your children improperly so please feel free to jump in with any and all ideas in the comments section below. I hope that you find this topic incredibly useful and I anticipate that if you don’t already have tiny tots of your own, you will come to appreciate their incredible versatility. Hell, maybe you will be so inspired as to go get one of your own!

The Top Ten Things Toddlers Are Incredibly Useful For (Around The House):

1. Alarm Clock – Paige walks in each morning roughly 5 minutes after my husband leaves for work. After anywhere between 2 to 3 weeks of this reoccurring routine, I have concluded that setting an alarm on my phone for 8:00 am is pointless. (Yes, I wake up at 8. Don’t judge me – I have a flex schedule I’m not a morning person.)
2. Maid – Paige literally ENJOYS cleaning. I can’t take credit for this. While I do try to express the importance of a “clean” home, her Montessori wins the “child slave labor” award. She came home after only 2 weeks of school with the desire to wipe tables, throw away her own diapers and toss dirty laundry down our shoot. I don’t know what they are teaching her there but. . . #Winning.
3. Remote Retrieval – Example: Mommy sits down on couch, forgets remote is across the room. “Paige will you please grab mommy the remote for the TV?” Paige grabs remote and brings to mommy. The end.
4. Closer of All Things Open – I believe that Paige suffers from some mild form of OCD. I’m ok with this. So far it’s caused nothing but a few small arguments including the reasonable amount of times per day one baby should wash their hands, that cheerios cannot be lined up one-by-one (in a perfectly straight line) across the entire couch or that her juice cup doesn’t always HAVE to be placed in the cup holder. Despite these minor speed bumps we have come to notice some incredibly useful side effects, one being: no cupboard or drawer shall ever be left open in her presence. This also applies to the fridge and toilet seats. (Mind you, she doesn’t even use a toilet yet). She also enjoys rinsing dirty dishes, as this some how equates to additional “hand washes” – #Yipee.
5. Interior Decorating: I have -on more than one occasion- utilized Paige’s infatuation with paint to assist in decorating my home. Hand her random object, brush, desired color of paint and Ta-Da! It’s done and all I had to do was supervise. Note: This event can/may result in discolored carpeting, colorful hair and/or pink dog fur. #SorryBaxter.
6. Vacuum: Paige and Baxter take this responsibility incredibly serious. While toddler spills are often just as few and far between as the act of eating said spill off the floor (right), Paige is a stickler for cleaning every damn speck of anything off the ground, couch, table, etc. She has and will continue to bring me microscopic pieces of lint with the utmost concern. For this I am not thankful, just annoyed.
7. Towel Boy – Ok she’s a girl, but you get the point. Every time I get in the shower and forget to grab a towel: “Paige, Mommy needs a towel!” She delivers with incredible speed, like Jimmy Johns. #FreakyFast.
8. Dog Duty – Paige is responsible for giving our dog, Baxter, all of his treats. I am too lazy to get off the couch and do it myself, plus find very little reason to reward him – he’s kind of an ass. Paige also assists in Baxter’s bath time and alerts us as to when he would like to be let in from outside. #BecauseICouldNotHearTheExcessiveBarking.
9. Helpful Hanger – Paige hands each article of clothing to mommy to be hung in her closet thus alleviating any effort of bending over to grab tiny clothes from laundry basket. She also sorts socks and sucks at it.
10. Designated Dustpan Aficionado – Holds dustpan while I sweep floors. #ProbablyHerFavoriteThingOnTheList.

And that’s a wrap! While I’m sure my husband can contribute any number of additional pointers to this already growing list, I feel that this first edition is one worth documenting. Do you utilize your children in irresponsible ways? Feel like adding one to the list or just attempting a few of these on your own time? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below! Note To Readers: To avoid any and all confusion: this post was clearly made in a humorous context. Anyone lacking a facetious remark will be swiftly smacked and removed from all comments until further notice. We like to laugh here.

If there is something you feel like confessing (like how badly you want to report me to CPS), make sure you hop on over to Kathy’s link-up at Vodka And Soda for her Humpday Confessions and get in on all the weekly fun!

Happy Hump Day!

Cheers,