Today’s “How To” : Maintain Your Det. Lions Fandom *

Few things most people recall from their childhood, but I’ve always vividly remembered my first “Daddy-Daughter” dance”, the awful smell (and outcome ) of my first perm -Thanks Mom, installing our first swimming pool, ice cream after tee-ball and my first broken bone. . . . as these things have become ingrained in the way I was brought up. Our parents, teachers, siblings and peers together help to guide us through some of the most magical and detrimental times a young person will survive, all the while enhancing valuable life lessons along the way.

Important Life Lesson #11: The Lions Have, Do and Always Will SUCK.  

Born and raised in South East Detroit. The seasons change. The wind blows. Cars are made. Lions Lose. The only team in the entire NFL to never advance to a Super Bowl, defeat has become standard. Since before I can remember, I can always picture the Lions being a horrible, awful, depressing establishment contributing in no way to society. Comparable to mixing a variety of uppers and downers, the Lions have somehow managed to create a cult-like following more relatable to those nut jobs that actually enjoy Baileys and Coffee. I mean SERIOUSLY. There is no drunk, there is no “wake-up” it’s just a lose – lose for everyone involved. Sure- it tastes great, makes you all warm and fuzzy inside, smells of pure happiness, but when all is said and done, you’re sober, sleepy and outright empty inside – yet the real alcoholics (Lions Fans) can’t stop. We attend every sloppy ass tailgate, keep buying the tickets and next thing you know we actually believe they can win! It’s god damn out of control! What’s the definition of Insanity again?? 

Then came the 0-16. It was what true Lions Fans refer to as Rock Bottom. I believe they have a similar scenario in Alcoholics Anonymous. I think it’s part of your initiation to the program, not entirely sure but anyhow. . . . 0-16. A tale for your children’s children. The Great Depression. A season of lost hope, many fans retreated to their homes both defeated and denied. It was going to be a long off-season. But then, a glimmer of hope! Marinelli would be gone, the blame could be passed, we could start anew! Or so we thought. A quick 2-14 season later and we were finally in contention for the play-offs. 2011 with Megatron, Suh, Stafford. This amazing combination of talent alongside some of the best receivers and running backs in the game, the exceptional roster was bound to work, or so we thought. You forget, we are the Lions. First round- Out. 2012 Season., Nope. This year. . . . well lets just. . . . 

Lions Winless Football

Fast forward to today. It’s Tuesday Morning. While you sit and read this, finally shaking your case of yesterday’s “Monday’s” let me just explain how my Monday went. In detail. Monday Night Football. Something us Detroiters refer to as a should-be local holiday, The Lions take the field with our playoff spot on the line. Defeat is non negotiable. . . the opponent- Defending Super Bowl Champs the Baltimore Ravens. #HA (Now, this is where the rest of the country knows we don’t stand a chance, but this is also the exact same moment when Detroit lights up with that “Lions Pride” and falsely assumes the unthinkable, a victory.) Yes, A Victory. Crazy you say? Sure if you’re not from Detroit. Typical? Completely, IF you are. Welcome to my life. . . and most others I know. While we have endured every negative aspect of the league and come to expect nothing but unfavorable calls, false starts and loose turnovers. .. our Lion Pride can’t die. So here we are watching the game:

It started with an early lead, and our defense held back every touchdown attempt, things were honestly looking good!. . . .But then things took a Lions turn for the worst and started going  horribly, horribly wrong:

*I Will Now Break Down Key Aspects To Last Nights Loss Through A Series Of GIFs And Hashtags. Please Feel Free To Close Your Eyes, Throw Up, Fall Down & Die And/Or Simply Exit This Blog At Any Time*

#ThingsThatShouldn’tHappen #Happened

#InterceptionsWereThrown #SoWerePaperCups

#IfOnlyWeCouldHaveFollowedWithThe2PointConversion #SeriouslyStopDancing 

#ThenThisHappened #61Yards #GoodByePlayoffs

#ThisCan’tBeRealLife #TuckerIsGreat

#IHateYouJimSchwartz #YesThatHappened. #TheEnd

*I would like to thank the sources that helped provide these wonderful GIFs/Media/Photos today by recognizing them now:

SO There it is, a typical Lions loss. Going out in stellar fashion, holding us on until the bitter end. While I would love to tell you that I won’t be back next year, I will be. Hell I will be back on Sunday, crossing my fingers for a miracle that somehow both The Bears and The Packers both lose for the slight chance to still grasp the NFC North because that’s what Detroiters do. I mean what other reason is their to stand up every Sunday for the only team that’s never made it to a Super Bowl? (By the way it’s the only Final Jeopardy Question I’ve ever answered correctly!!) Yes, It’s a sick, sad, depressing disease but as my in-laws and husband have accurately determined, the “Scally Theory” is the best way to go when maintaining your fandom… “Never Too High” – ” Never Too Low”


In closing, I would like to thank the Lions and all of you crazy fuckers who support them. As I’m in no way shocked by your performance last night, I know you’re capable of much more. I appreciate that you come back and play each season despite however embarrassing it may be to sport the Silver and Honolulu Blue and I respect you for suiting up. Sure you’re getting paid boat loads of money and it’s really ALL your fault, but thanks anyhow. On a more serious note. #GetYourShitTogether. See ya Sunday! 


– C

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