That Time I Gave Up On My Blog. *

So it’s Wednesday at 11:00 pm at night and I’m just now sitting down forcing myself to post. I guess there is no better way to kick off a weekly confession then by confessing I don’t have any idea why I’m writing today to begin with. Feel free to press the tiny X in the corner of your screen at any point. . . . I’m clearly not worthy of a decent audience these past few weeks. But seriously, it’s been one hell of a month. I can’t even begin to explain my lack of motivation.

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Between getting my life together and listening to my own thoughts, I’ve pretty much just given up completely. It’s not just blogging, it’s a mixture of everything. I’m going through a lot of personal changes at this exact moment and the time off between positions isn’t doing me any favors. The more time I have, the more I think. The more I think . . . well, I just take a nap. I’m in that state of being where you have just SO much to do, so much to figure out that “Hey lets just sleep it off” sounds so much more appealing. Between my own self-seeking and my friends and family chiming in. . . I’ve pretty much just been eating Cheetos, taking bike rides and finding things to keep my own thoughts at bay. . . so far it’s going phenomenal. (Insert Sarcasm Here).

But seriously, I have so many things to think about. I’m in a really tough spot between starting a job that could mean entirely too much responsibility to happily balance my personal life, personal business and personal serenity. . . while also making a hefty/happy contribution to our finances and utilizing my education (that I’m still paying off mind you) – OR –  diving head-first into my own personal ambitions and leaving all expectations behind in a journey of spending more time with my family and doing something that makes me incredibly happy, all while having no promised source of consistent income which could in turn cause its own collection of chaotic nightmares.

One one end; I’m a crazy, motivated, Type A personality that needs to have that pressing career which requires long hours, travel and personal sacrifice. To me, that’s a REAL career woman. I’ve obsessed over it my entire life. On the other hand, I’m creative, passionate and WAY too independent to be working in a structured corporate environment and want the ability to test my own personal possibilities. I want the best of both worlds. My husband wants the security of a traditional career. I used to feel that way too. ALL the time. Then, I became a mother. Once this happened, things changed. I wanted more than just going to work for someone else. I transitioned my thoughts to a more independent, happy and hopeful existence. BUT, I also want to be a reliable member of my family, contribute to a healthy savings, pay down debt and possibly take my child to Disney World one day . . . .if I take this leap, I’m risking all that money can bring. . . but does that really include happiness? I think not. Or maybe? I seriously just don’t even know. I do love Disney though . . .

With that being said, this is where I’m at. . . . .^^^^^^^^^^ (I Love Me Some Stitch GIFs).

In my own thoughts.

Also, while I’m thinking out loud, I’m incredibly guilt stricken with my lack in blogging these past few weeks. I have to think that this is no better place to share my struggles, yet I’m again on the couch eating Cheerios (we ran out of Cheetos – BOO!) posting just before midnight, alone. I seriously just need a little structure in my insanity and I hope to get back into a consistent pattern. I’m really not ready to give up on this self-created space. I love it and I feel like it’s just the beginning! But really, what would you ladies do? I could REALLY use some advice on the subject. . .

With that, lets sign off by sending you over to Kathy’s amazing link-up: Humpday Confessions over at Vodka & Soda for some fun and feisty posting!

Happy Hump Day (Night)!!

 

Cheers,

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Everything Happens For A Reason *

As I sit here on this delicate Monday morning, I can humbly reflect on another weekend passed. While I type this half asleep, I’m comforted to know that my morning tea is only moments away. 3 sugars, light cream. Becky knows me all too well after only 3 short weeks.

The sun is glaring brightly on my face, my monitor is an impossible gloss of tiny fingerprints. I really need to consider switching booths on such bright and cheerful mornings. . . I can’t see a damn thing as I’m typing. But I love this booth, this is my booth. It’s secluded. Personal. I can see the entire city from this dumpy little coney. I wont move so I squint to see a little more.

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As of late, I’ve been lucky enough to accept each sunrise. Every single morning.While I dreaded this transition for many months, it’s in turn proven to be incredibly essential in keeping myself in tune. A forgotten piece of inspiration in my day that I’m all too thankful to have back.

The past 5 months have been exhausting. While I am in no way ready to share the experiences I’ve encountered, dealt with and still overcoming; I would like to point out that because of this self inflicted process I’ve become a better person.

“Everything Happens For A Reason.”

That’s what I’ve been told. But does it? Is there a reason for everything and everything for a reason? While I search for some personal gratification on this mild and well-mannered morning I struggle to find a solution.

But maybe that’s the problem. Maybe searching for all the answers is what brings us back to beginning. The problem. Perhaps the answer is in not knowing. In that I can find some honesty.

You see, turning your will over is no easy habit. It’s an un-perfected process that goes hand-in-hand with loss of control and lack of acceptance. Lets be serious for a second: Who in the hell wants that? Truthfully? I do. You do. We all do. The incredible humbleness that comes from letting go is something that I can’t completely describe, yet I hope to fully share. It’s a level of peace that I had never before experienced until I learned to let go absolutely.

While I’m in no way a person of extreme faith, I have always possessed the knowledge that in all my efforts I can never guarantee results. This is something that has helped me accept the life I live today. While I may not always be where I want to be, I’m where I’m supposed to be. This is happiness.

I once read that God comes along and wrecks your plans when your plans are about to wreck you. While I would have balked at such a phrase years ago, I can today appreciated the honesty and reality in these unbreakable words. Maybe things happen for a reason. Maybe you come to understand that reason, maybe you don’t. It’s faith in letting go that makes acceptance possible because sometimes, just sometimes, it’s the wrong choices that bring us to the right places.

We don’t have all the answers . . . just today. And today, I’m eating my eggs sunny side up with a side of hope. How about you?

 

Ps. Head on over to check out the “Lets Be Friends Blog Hop” – Meet New People – Make New Friends!

 

Cheers,

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