HELP ME!!!! -Hump Day *

So it’s been a weird 24 hours, not to mention past few weeks. Regardless, I need to get back to confessions. Like a whore out of church (it’s a metaphor people!!!), I’ve found my way back to the light and am ready to get a few things off my chest. . . .

1. I recently found myself in between jobs. I’m starting a new position in the next few weeks but in the mean time, I’m trying to perfect my skills as a house wife. It’s not going well:

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Laundry. It’s just not my thing. As I mentioned before, I will wash it all day but once that’s complete. . . .well you get the point. #FoldingIsForFools. While I have stepped up my game in other areas, my husband has publicly declared I’m not fit to be a Stepford. #CryingInside.

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2. I woke up on the couch last night to an alarming and confusing update from my WordPress account:

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What the hell is going on? I confess, while I was seriously confused I was incredibly excited. . . . Oh, and it got better too:

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My graphs were totally out of control! It happened in a matter of hours. THEN it hit me, for the first time ever, I pushed a post to reddit. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for traffic, but I was slightly saddened when I realized that I hadn’t actually received any new comments. #ImSoPetty. Not that my shit’s all that interesting, but hey, a girl could use some love over here- or just a new friend. While it’s been a slow start to this enjoyable journey into blogging, this is just proof that I continue to learn something new every day. AKA – Amaze Myself. I think I’ll continue this accidental test run with reddit, it’s definitely helping to drive new readers?? #RedditForLifeBitches.

3. I decided to start P.T. Boot Camp 2014 at the Jazz Castle today. . . for those of you that don’t know, the Jazz Castle is my house. My husband has this awkward infatuation with referring to himself as “Pjazz” It’s short (long) for PJ. His real name’s Patrick. Please don’t make me explain. Regardless, this is the Jazz Castle. It’s our home. It has its own Facebook Page. . . .#ThisShouldBeItsOwnConfession. #SoEmbarrassing. #CantKeepThatShitUpdated. #PleaseLikeUs. For the definition of P.T. Boot Camp, please see below:

Anyhow, my daughter will be 3 in July- Since I am in between jobs, I thought it no better time to prove my worth (since I’m clearly not doing it via housework) by potty training our baby. WHAT THE HELL. After a trip to Meijer: 10 pairs of Doc McStuffins/Hello Kitty panties, 50 feet of painters tarp and an industrial size bag of wipes later. . . . here we are. Complete and total insanity.

Seriously. I don’t even know where to begin. #YesShesStraddlingTheToilet. #ToiletPaperEverywhere. Aside from the 10 apple juices I’ve willingly provided, I’ve only landed myself: one successful pee, one accidental pee (on the hardwood #ThankGod) and the dog puking up grass. #WhatTheFuck.

I confess, I have NO idea what I’m doing. . . but I do know I would make one hell of an efficient painter. . . I prepped this place in a matter of seconds.

With that, I’m saving myself for Sunday service #Right. Until next week ladies, confess on!

Make sure you stop on over to confess your own horrible, no-good-sins with Kathy and her weekly link-up Humpday Confessions!

 

Or, if you have no regrets #WhoAreYouKidding?, visit the lovely Liz from Fitness Blondie and link-up any post on The Hump Day Blog Hop each Wednesday! 

 

Also, have any of you potty trained? What useful advice can you offer a completely hopeless mother of one? #ILoveYouInAdvance!

Cheers,

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My Favorite Ways In Which To Avoid Responsibility *

Wahooo! I’m back bitches!! While it’s been a hot minute since I’ve blogged (2 weeks – seriously, don’t judge me), I’m back and ready for some good ol’ Friday Favorites. You see, it’s not that I’m completely lazy, but sometimes life gets in the way. I would love to sit here and make excuses but the reality of it is, I was just NOT around. I took a hiatus and I’m not all that ashamed. Sometimes it pays to be irresponsible.#LazyAsF. In light of this, I would like to break down a few of my favorite ways in which I completely avoid responsibility:

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1. Laundry: I just don’t do it. Well that’s a lie, I wash it. . . . I just don’t believe in folding and/or putting that shit away. While it’s incredibly liberating to come home to a closet full of freshly hung clothes, I wouldn’t know the first thing about accomplishing it. Ever since moving into my husband’s home 4 years ago, the lack of closet space has led to a life of laundromatic chaos. Typically takes about 22+ loads of laundry to finally break me. I then spend 6+ hours folding on a Netflix binge. #NoShame.

2. Email:  I just don’t read them. You see, I sign up for everything under the sun and I became horrible at deleting emails (read or unread) roughly 5 years ago. To date I have like 65k + unopened emails in my inbox. In spite of this personal flaw, I managed to use my marriage last spring as an excuse to create a “new email” in which I only use for professional and personal use. In turn, leading to even LESS opened emails on the other account. It’s a vicious cycle that I don’t have a solution to. If anyone hears of an invention that just cleans house on old emails, let me know. On second though, maybe I should patent that shit. . .

Screen Shot 2014-05-08 at 1.16.58 PM3. Emptying The Dishwasher: This is somewhat of a game at our house, a standoff if you will. Both my husband and myself absolutely HATE unloading the dishwasher, but loading is something we can agree on? Regardless, I’ll let the dishes pile up to the ceiling before finally caving. I rather just slowly unload as needed much like the loading process, too bad that could take weeks. #ImSuchABum.

4. Voicemail: I can’t stand this invention. A) I don’t listen to them. Ever. Especially from my mother. (Sorry Mom I love you, but seriously. . . . you don’t have to leave me a message that goes something like: “Hey sweetie, it’s Mom. Call me back.” – Trust me, I know you called. It’s called “missed call”. It was invented in like 2001. Actually, I have no idea when it was invented, I just Googled it and I came up empty-handed. . . .but regardless it’s been around for OVER a decade. B) I never delete them (see dating back to September of last year . . . .I had to scroll down for some time) because that would involve being responsible and possibly even organized. #IShutter C). I clearly don’t ever store numbers either. . . hence blacking out all the numbers, because they are in fact, numbers, not names. I don’t even know who they are. I would have just left them for you all to call but I had my own reservations. . . .unless you of course plan on asking them if their refrigerator is running, then by all means.

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5. The Lint Trap: I realize this could be categorized with the above mentioned “Laundry” but let’s be serious, my lack of folding can’t contribute to a house fire. But for real, I could/should have burnt the basement down 10 times by now. I can’t even. . . . #SorryHusband.

6. Getting Off The Couch: When I’m down, I’m down. I don’t often sit but when I do. . . . it’s all bets off. I cannot be convinced to again rise unless chocolate covered strawberries are somehow involved. Dog needs water? #DontCare. Paige wants goldfish? #Pj!?! iPhone’s across the room? #GuessYouBetterLeaveAVoiceMail. #YeahRight.

7. Mani-Pedis: I will wait 5+ weeks before getting a fill. . .or until I break a nail and just can’t handle the incredible thought process/effort that goes into attempting to hide said nail under every varied circumstance. (Yes, I get embarrassed about that sort of petty crap). It’s not that I don’t want to take care of myself, it’s just that I don’t care. Not to mention I have way more important things to do besides sit in a chair for 2+ hours, even if that chair does have a massage feature.

8. Weeding The Garden: While it’s a little early in the season to be calling myself out on this, I thought it only right to look ahead to my seasonal irresponsibility. #CallMeAnOverachiever. Now I have yet to even plant this years flowers/veggies/herbs. . . .but don’t let that fool you: I have no intention on weeding these works of art. No joke, I will spend 3+ days perfecting each bed and pot, OCD’ing the hell out on every layout, color, spacing and more only to let them go to hell in 3 weeks. Weeding is for suckers. Not to mention I practically kill every plant I’ve ever owned. . . I just can’t deal.

Oh man, a Weeds GIF for a weeding resentment. . . .I crack myself up. #ImAmazing.

This blog you ask? Well yes, It’s been a little over 2+ weeks since I’ve tended to it, but I’m not even about to make excuses for that. I will, however, vow to never make a unestablished exit again. I missed you ladies too much. Oh and while we’re on the topic: 843 unread blogs on Bloglovin. . . It’s not that I won’t attempt to read them all, but in all honesty it’s just not gonna happen. Irresponsibility just kicked in and told me it’s “ok” to consider this a clean slate. Starting anew effective today. #DontJudgeMe.

Oh and while you’re at it, go check out the much more established, organized and clearly more responsible Amanda at Meet @ The Barre! Link up and love yourself some Friday Favorites! ❤

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Cheers!

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