Ways In Which I Irresponsibly Utilize My Toddler – Volume I *

Since it’s Wednesday, I would like to take this time to confess the multiple things that I incorrectly utilize my toddler for at home. . . (while also confessing the complete lack of guilt that comes along with said post.) I believe this to be the beginning of a series of posts that will include other environments, situations and/or scenarios in which you can utilize your children improperly so please feel free to jump in with any and all ideas in the comments section below. I hope that you find this topic incredibly useful and I anticipate that if you don’t already have tiny tots of your own, you will come to appreciate their incredible versatility. Hell, maybe you will be so inspired as to go get one of your own!

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The Top Ten Things Toddlers Are Incredibly Useful For (Around The House):

  1. Alarm Clock – Paige walks in each morning roughly 5 minutes after my husband leaves for work. After anywhere between 2 to 3 weeks of this reoccurring routine, I have concluded that setting an alarm on my phone for 8:00 am is pointless. (Yes, I wake up at 8. Don’t judge me – I have a flex schedule I’m not a morning person.)
  2. Maid – Paige literally ENJOYS cleaning. I can’t take credit for this. While I do try to express the importance of a “clean” home, her Montessori wins the “child slave labor” award. She came home after only 2 weeks of school with the desire to wipe tables, throw away her own diapers and toss dirty laundry down our shoot. I don’t know what they are teaching her there but. . . #Winning.
  3. Remote Retrieval – Example: Mommy sits down on couch, forgets remote is across the room. “Paige will you please grab mommy the remote for the TV?” Paige grabs remote and brings to mommy. The end.
  4. Closer of All Things Open – I believe that Paige suffers from some mild form of OCD. I’m ok with this. So far it’s caused nothing but a few small arguments including the reasonable amount of times per day one baby should wash their hands, that cheerios cannot be lined up one-by-one (in a perfectly straight line) across the entire couch or that her juice cup doesn’t always HAVE to be placed in the cup holder. Despite these minor speed bumps we have come to notice some incredibly useful side effects, one being: no cupboard or drawer shall ever be left open in her presence. This also applies to the fridge and toilet seats. (Mind you, she doesn’t even use a toilet yet). She also enjoys rinsing dirty dishes, as this some how equates to additional “hand washes” – #Yipee.
  5. Interior Decorating: I have -on more than one occasion- utilized Paige’s infatuation with paint to assist in decorating my home. Hand her random object, brush, desired color of paint and Ta-Da! It’s done and all I had to do was supervise. Note: This event can/may result in discolored carpeting, colorful hair and/or pink dog fur. #SorryBaxter.
  6. Vacuum: Paige and Baxter take this responsibility incredibly serious. While toddler spills are often just as few and far between as the act of eating said spill off the floor (right), Paige is a stickler for cleaning every damn speck of anything off the ground, couch, table, etc. She has and will continue to bring me microscopic pieces of lint with the utmost concern. For this I am not thankful, just annoyed.
  7. Towel Boy – Ok she’s a girl, but you get the point. Every time I get in the shower and forget to grab a towel: “Paige, Mommy needs a towel!” She delivers with incredible speed, like Jimmy Johns. #FreakyFast.
  8. Dog Duty – Paige is responsible for giving our dog, Baxter, all of his treats. I am too lazy to get off the couch and do it myself, plus find very little reason to reward him – he’s kind of an ass. Paige also assists in Baxter’s bath time and alerts us as to when he would like to be let in from outside. #BecauseICouldNotHearTheExcessiveBarking.
  9. Helpful Hanger – Paige hands each article of clothing to mommy to be hung in her closet thus alleviating any effort of bending over to grab tiny clothes from laundry basket. She also sorts socks and sucks at it.
  10. Designated Dustpan Aficionado – Holds dustpan while I sweep floors. #ProbablyHerFavoriteThingOnTheList.

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And that’s a wrap! While I’m sure my husband can contribute any number of additional pointers to this already growing list, I feel that this first edition is one worth documenting. Do you utilize your children in irresponsible ways? Feel like adding one to the list or just attempting a few of these on your own time? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below! Note To Readers: To avoid any and all confusion: this post was clearly made in a humorous context. Anyone lacking a facetious remark will be swiftly smacked and removed from all comments until further notice. We like to laugh here.

If there is something you feel like confessing (like how badly you want to report me to CPS), make sure you hop on over to Kathy’s link-up at Vodka And Soda for her Humpday Confessions and get in on all the weekly fun!

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Happy Hump Day!

Cheers, 

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W is For Confessions *

Wednesdays are my favorite. . . probably because I get to work from home every Thursday #TGIW but also because I truly adore me some Humpday Confessions with Kathy over at Vodka And Soda. What could be better than tossing the monkey off your back and just letting it all air out? #IDontKnow. Plus it’s always fun to try new Link-Ups so I’m jumping aboard The Fitness Blondie wagon again too! So with that being said, I would really like to get to it.

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Confession #1: I want to add a GoogleFriendConnect widget to my blog and I have NO CLUE how to do it. I have been looking into it all morning after reading lots of other blogs and joining their connects. I feel like a lost puppy in “blog world” some days and I just need to figure my shit out. I never did figure out the Pin It options either (mentioned in this post) but then suddenly, Google Chrome answered my blog prayers and added the “Pin It” button to every photo you see on Google Chrome anyhow. For those of you that don’t use Chrome. . . . you’ll just have to wait until my tiny brain catches up. #ISwearImNotStupidJustLazy. So if ANYONE has any advice on how to do this, PLEASE SHARE! Thank you in advance!

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Confession #2: I want to blow up the billing department at my OBGYN’s office. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my OB. They delivered my daughter 2 months early and did an amazing job, they are some of the best doctors around . . . but their billing lady – lets call her Pam – (no seriously, that’s her real name), is a lonely old hag who clearly owns a lot of cats. Pam can’t keep track of anything. When I ask her to pull up any charges in my account more than 3 months prior (mind you, us ladies only visit the OB once a year) she refuses. Not to mention she has sent things to collections now 3 times that were already paid, mailed bills to an incorrect address for the past decade and then has the audacity to make a comment about how she “doesn’t know how anyone could go into collections for a mere $77.” Well lets see lady, I don’t either because that shit was paid, in full, 4 years ago. Stop brushing your cats and file my paperwork dammit! Now lets imagine if she had said that to 20-year-old Chelsea. Oh would the F-bombs be flying, because back then, I probably would have let $77 go into collections. I was flat broke in college. #WerentWeAll? Either way I thought it was incredibly rude and degrading, especially to someone who maybe couldn’t have afforded $77. Yes, I can now, but I’m sure there are plenty of people on this planet that could do a lot more with $77 then pay Pam’s incorrectly filed bullshit. The fact that she made the statement on her own error made her sound all the more ignorant. I gave her a piece of my mind and then promised to bury her cats alive. #ButSeriously, If it wasn’t for my lady parts requiring top-notch service, I would have 100% left this place by now.

Above: See Pam’s Starter Kit. . . Ordered roughly 9 years ago when she stopped giving a damn about her job and started billing shit incredibly wrong.

Confession #3: I haven’t had a day off since last Thursday and I can feel myself physically dying. #OkThatsALie. But honestly, I’m totally exhausted. The collaborative efforts of both Daylight Savings Time and working The Novi Golf Expo 30 hours this weekend have clearly contributed to my cranky demeanor, lack of personal time and what’s that called? Sleep. I don’t bode will with light rest. #Trust. Another Confession, I love me some GrumpyCat MeMe’s but hate cats. This one is perfect:

Confession #4: Speaking of Grumpy Cat, I thought that Meme was pronounced ME-ME. For forever. I work in social media. My friend that worked at Youtube finally called me out this past summer. F-Off everyone who’s laughing at me. . . #Embarrassing.

Confession #5: I ran a Giveaway this week. I screwed that shit ALL up. I also only have like 11 entries and it ends at midnight of the 17th. If you want to check it out feel free, but seriously just try not to make fun. It’s my first attempt at this and apparently WordPress and Rafflecopter are sworn enemies. . . I’m not even sure. Honestly, I think WordPress can just be a little bitch sometimes. . . I recently was informed that when I reply to your lovely blog comments with WP, it doesn’t inform you that I replied. What. The. Hell. #IGiveUp. Anyhow, if you want to try and win a FREE Print on me, #IHeardYourChancesArePrettyGood. . . . here’s the Entry Form:

Twine With A Twist’s Busted Ass Rafflecopter Giveaway

St. Patty's Day Giveaway

Confession #6: I hate Cheese. Like, all kinds. Sorry Amanda, I had to confess after reading your cheese filled blog today. But to all of those that love it, I support you. I completely accept that I’m the “exception”. . . ya’ll cheese gobblers are the “rule”.

If you want to get in on the madness, hop on over to Vodka and Soda and link-up with Kathy for some confessions. . .

or jump on in with Liz from Fitness Blondie’s Hump Day Blog Hop!

Happy Humpin! #TGIW 

Cheers, 

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