Ways In Which I Irresponsibly Utilize My Toddler – Volume I *

Since it’s Wednesday, I would like to take this time to confess the multiple things that I incorrectly utilize my toddler for at home. . . (while also confessing the complete lack of guilt that comes along with said post.) I believe this to be the beginning of a series of posts that will include other environments, situations and/or scenarios in which you can utilize your children improperly so please feel free to jump in with any and all ideas in the comments section below. I hope that you find this topic incredibly useful and I anticipate that if you don’t already have tiny tots of your own, you will come to appreciate their incredible versatility. Hell, maybe you will be so inspired as to go get one of your own!

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The Top Ten Things Toddlers Are Incredibly Useful For (Around The House):

  1. Alarm Clock – Paige walks in each morning roughly 5 minutes after my husband leaves for work. After anywhere between 2 to 3 weeks of this reoccurring routine, I have concluded that setting an alarm on my phone for 8:00 am is pointless. (Yes, I wake up at 8. Don’t judge me – I have a flex schedule I’m not a morning person.)
  2. Maid – Paige literally ENJOYS cleaning. I can’t take credit for this. While I do try to express the importance of a “clean” home, her Montessori wins the “child slave labor” award. She came home after only 2 weeks of school with the desire to wipe tables, throw away her own diapers and toss dirty laundry down our shoot. I don’t know what they are teaching her there but. . . #Winning.
  3. Remote Retrieval – Example: Mommy sits down on couch, forgets remote is across the room. “Paige will you please grab mommy the remote for the TV?” Paige grabs remote and brings to mommy. The end.
  4. Closer of All Things Open – I believe that Paige suffers from some mild form of OCD. I’m ok with this. So far it’s caused nothing but a few small arguments including the reasonable amount of times per day one baby should wash their hands, that cheerios cannot be lined up one-by-one (in a perfectly straight line) across the entire couch or that her juice cup doesn’t always HAVE to be placed in the cup holder. Despite these minor speed bumps we have come to notice some incredibly useful side effects, one being: no cupboard or drawer shall ever be left open in her presence. This also applies to the fridge and toilet seats. (Mind you, she doesn’t even use a toilet yet). She also enjoys rinsing dirty dishes, as this some how equates to additional “hand washes” – #Yipee.
  5. Interior Decorating: I have -on more than one occasion- utilized Paige’s infatuation with paint to assist in decorating my home. Hand her random object, brush, desired color of paint and Ta-Da! It’s done and all I had to do was supervise. Note: This event can/may result in discolored carpeting, colorful hair and/or pink dog fur. #SorryBaxter.
  6. Vacuum: Paige and Baxter take this responsibility incredibly serious. While toddler spills are often just as few and far between as the act of eating said spill off the floor (right), Paige is a stickler for cleaning every damn speck of anything off the ground, couch, table, etc. She has and will continue to bring me microscopic pieces of lint with the utmost concern. For this I am not thankful, just annoyed.
  7. Towel Boy – Ok she’s a girl, but you get the point. Every time I get in the shower and forget to grab a towel: “Paige, Mommy needs a towel!” She delivers with incredible speed, like Jimmy Johns. #FreakyFast.
  8. Dog Duty – Paige is responsible for giving our dog, Baxter, all of his treats. I am too lazy to get off the couch and do it myself, plus find very little reason to reward him – he’s kind of an ass. Paige also assists in Baxter’s bath time and alerts us as to when he would like to be let in from outside. #BecauseICouldNotHearTheExcessiveBarking.
  9. Helpful Hanger – Paige hands each article of clothing to mommy to be hung in her closet thus alleviating any effort of bending over to grab tiny clothes from laundry basket. She also sorts socks and sucks at it.
  10. Designated Dustpan Aficionado – Holds dustpan while I sweep floors. #ProbablyHerFavoriteThingOnTheList.

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And that’s a wrap! While I’m sure my husband can contribute any number of additional pointers to this already growing list, I feel that this first edition is one worth documenting. Do you utilize your children in irresponsible ways? Feel like adding one to the list or just attempting a few of these on your own time? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below! Note To Readers: To avoid any and all confusion: this post was clearly made in a humorous context. Anyone lacking a facetious remark will be swiftly smacked and removed from all comments until further notice. We like to laugh here.

If there is something you feel like confessing (like how badly you want to report me to CPS), make sure you hop on over to Kathy’s link-up at Vodka And Soda for her Humpday Confessions and get in on all the weekly fun!

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Happy Hump Day!

Cheers, 

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What Day Is It?

Hello Hump Day! This day. Seriously. Ok, so I have to get right on my confessions this week. Literally, have been in need of confessions since basically the moment I stopped typing confessions to Kathy LAST Wednesday. . . anyhow. Here goes:

Confession #1: I can’t stop crying today. Like legit tears. I don’t ever cry (Reference to last weeks post about my dog dying- no tears) so that just tells you what kinda day it’s been. I’m at work mind you, *ps. this has nothing to do with work- I LOVE my coworkers and job!* so I keep creeping off to the bathroom like I have to pee my pants every 30 minutes. It’s pretty much awful, awkward and I just want to go home. And NO, I will not be sharing the dirty details today. . . Thank You. OH and Thank god for good friends and chocolate covered strawberries. My best girlies had these delivered to my office today because they knew I was down. . . . ♥ Them!

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Confession #2: I swear I talk about Chocolate Covered Strawberries like every other post, I’m sorry. Actually, I’m not but I will make a valiant effort to dial it down. Actually, no. That’s a lie too. This entire confession will more realistically result in my desire to bring up C.C.S-Berries all the more now.

Confession #3: I haven’t given Paige a bath in four days. Actually that’s another lie, she hasn’t had a bath in like six-seven days. She showered with me on Saturday night though. . . so that counts. Although mentioning to my husband that our 2 year old took a shower was sort of awkward. The whole event was awkward really. . . “Where’s Paige?” – “In The Shower.” Just say it out loud and look at this face:Screen Shot 2014-01-13 at 2.20.38 PM

Now: picture it in the shower. #DamnWeirdBaby. Regardless, I don’t feel that guilty as I’ve found lots of parents don’t bathe their nuggets every day. . . or even every other. Or every other,other. I mean personally, If I shit my pants once or twice a day I would want baths on the regular. Paige? Just doesn’t care. I mean sure she likes baths but she also likes 8,567 other things ALL at once, so her bath sometimes falls down the list.  . . . Oh forget it, I was being lazy. But seriously, I have a hard enough time squeezing in a shower for myself most days and now this? #MomProblems

Confession #4: After posting my previous confession I am now slightly nervous petrified that Child Protective Services will come knocking on my door because I neglected to bathe my OCD baby. Trust me- her 15 minute hand washing session 4-6 times a day more then make up for her lack of a luke-warm tub. . . .you would think she’s Howard Hughes in the Aviator.* #ISwearImAGoodMother.

*If you didn’t get the reference then I’m sorry. It’s funny. Just Google that shit already. Then laugh.

Confession #5: I must do YOGA tonight. I haven’t partaken in this relaxing ritual it almost two weeks. I was really getting into it for a while. I’m not one for many extra curricular activities- unless you count running up and down the stairs 9 times a night because I can’t seem to ever remember what I’m looking for in our basement storage room, like EVER– but Yoga’s different. I’ve needed something for ME this winter. Something to get out of my own head for 30 or so minutes. I golf and bike in the summer but this harsh winter has been hard on the soul and Yoga has helped. Plus I enjoy watching Paige attempt the poses. . . she’s actually getting pretty good. #NamasteBitches.

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That’s a wrap! For all of you that don’t know: Wednesday is the perfect occasion to head on over to Kathy’s link-up at Vodka & Soda and take part in her “HumpDay Confessions“. A hilarious excuse to air your dirty laundry, her links are just what the doctor ordered for your mid-week blues!

Cheers,

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